the blasts, the fallout, the sickness and the diar[y]hoea

A Simple Cuppa Joe Please

I’ve just returned from my local coffee bar. I don’t like going there but they do have the best coffee and it’s closer than the other place that’s in walking distance. I always feel out of place, like I don’t know enough. It’s as if I’m an imposter in the world of the Uber-coffee drinkers. My dark suit is somehow more dull within the raspberry soufflé  coloured walls that are tastefully contrasted by a dark mahogany chocolate shade with turquoise accents. Even my reflection in the chrome everything is less bright.

My discomfort is enhanced when the Gucci suited and booted chap in front of me orders, I kid you not, a “double-half-caf- skinny-mocha-mint-latte with whipped cream and just a breath of ceylonese cinnamon.”

Seriously. He could have saved us both time by asking for a “Pretentious Wanker”. Now, I don’t want to be like him. Not at all. But how is it some places are just plain uncomfortable? It’s just a coffee shop. Maybe it’s because I know I hate them all and resent my having to go in? The fact that they know more than me makes me feel superior despite my inferiority in the subject. It’s less an inferiority complex than a complex inferiority. If you know what I mean; I may not be making any sense.

I ordered my coffee and the salesgirl seemed a little disappointed that she wasn’t going to have to pull the multitude of levers that operate the science experiment that is the modern coffee pot to create some work of caffeine based art.

Oh well.

I’m back in the office, safe for the moment from the La-Di-Da world of the Ubers enjoying my single-full-caf-café-noir with a soupçon of fatty jerseynese cream*. Yum

*black coffee with a dash of cream


2 Responses to “A Simple Cuppa Joe Please”

  1. I think you should have a sense of humor when opening a coffee shop – if I ever do (which I won’t because I hate coffee) – I’m going to put a sign up that says “For Special Requests, Please Tell The Counterperson You Would Like A ‘Pretentious Wanker.'” I bet no one would have special requests anyever! 🙂

  2. I bet they wouldn’t. The staff could call out if anyone did, “One Pretentious Wanker here!” Now that would be a coffee shop. 🙂

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