the blasts, the fallout, the sickness and the diar[y]hoea

More From The C.V. Front

Below is a C.V. I received in the post today. The name has been changed to protect the moronic. I’m only grateful I’ve learned how to change font and colour so I can truly do this justice.




Name: Anne Oing

Age: 34

Marital Status: Undefined Long-term Relationship

Contact: tel – ***** ****** email –

Dear Sir/Madam

RE. Management position ref. **********

I am educated to a Degree in Business Management and for the last one (1) year I have been responsible for two (2) failed business consultancies based in the South East. During my time with ********** I received a plague for Manager of the Year.

Before the failure of ********** I saw improvement in nearly all departments, increasing productivity and turnover by more than 100%. I have taken part in many seminars and was swiftly promoted.

Prior to this I have worked with several other businesses (details to follow on separate sheet) and I was mainly held in high regard by some members of staff.

Due to my immeasurable skills I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I am a perfectionist and have a a great eye for details . I have learnt Word Perfect X3 computor and spreasheet programs and I am proficient in Word and Excel. I do work well within teams but given my managerial background and my ongoing anger-management problems I feel it best for employers that I do not work directly with staff.

I am hard working and creative and enjoy a challenging environment and feel I would be a great addition to any team.

I look forward to meeting with you in person at your convenience so you can admire my experience more effectively.

Yours faithfully,

Anne Oing

p.s. please do misconstrue my relatively high rate of employment as “job-hopping” I have never quit a job.

Just a note to any job seekers out there: DO NOT DO THIS! YOU WILL NOT BE EMPLOYED!

All C.V.’s like this do is drastically lower my Will To Live Factor, after this it plummeted to 52.8%. This is not good for anyone. I am inaugurating in (honour of Little Red Boat) a new idea here folks and am marking this person as “Deathworthy”. If you should find out who she is and see her it is your moral and social obligation to do the right thing.



2 Responses to “More From The C.V. Front”

  1. This isn’t real is it? Is this real? If it’s real, it’s fucking Brilliant. Is this real? Is it?

  2. It is real. Believe it or not. This is what I do with my life. Trawl through crap like this. This is the pinnacle of terrible CV’s. Though it is brilliant in it’s badness which is why I had to show it.

    There’s something about writing a CV that brings out the horribly creative in people and they decide to use every font in Word.

    It still amazes me that they can make something so mundane as a CV turn out so baroque. I want to hurt them, the TWUNTS! 🙂

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