the blasts, the fallout, the sickness and the diar[y]hoea

Even The Pigeon Was Judging Me

Sitting on a bench in town today at lunch I found myself being harangued by a group of black clad, bible clutching loons. I was minding my own business, idly munching on a cheese sandwich just killing time until I had to head back to the dungeon office and the BB’s and Sourpuss when they began to rant.

“It’s not too late!” the leader declared. “Turn from the dark and find Jesus waiting for you.” he was echoed with an “Amen” from his followers.

“All you who walk here in this haven of the Devil, consumers like you,” (he actually pointed at me!) “must give up your evil ways.”

“Amen.” cried his priestlike posse.

Err. Calm yourself. It’s just a cheese sarnie mate.

“Your sins are with you and Jesus sees them and will punish you unless you receive his love and repent your evil sins!”


Does he have something against cheese? Should I have got the tuna? By this time passers-by were edging carefully past me trying not to attract his attention, even the bloody one footed, mangy, flea bitten pigeon that had been loitering with intent to eat my crumbs moved away and stared at me from the corner of his one remaining un-cataract-ed eye while he waited for this to blow over. It was unsettling. And infuriating.

Now I kind of get annoyed by this preaching in the town center in general, there are better venues, but really I think live and let live, I just ignore them. But this was personal.

Plus I think the phrase Jesus “will punish you unless you receive his love” smacks a little of BDSM. It’s a little kinky. Yes, priests are a strange bunch who get up ( 😉 ) to all sorts of things but it was a bit odd hearing it in this context. The main guy had a very… squirmy voice.

“Come to him. Come into his warm embrace,” I’d rather not thanks. I don’t swing that way. For a religion that frowns upon homosexuality they really should rethink their phraseology; it’s a little misleading.

The whole thing pissed me off. I mean, why do they have to do this? There are many churches and a cathedral in my town so if I want to be berated for my evil sinner ways then I know where to go. I don’t expect to have to listen to that kind of aggressive, dogmatic bull-shite when I’m trying to enjoy what was a very tasty cheddar cheese sandwich. Though a bit of Branston wouldn’t have gone amiss.

What I should have said is, “Come unto me and receive my punch to your cheek. Then turn the other that I may strike thee hard again.”

I didn’t. I left. I didn’t have time to pick holes in his faith, I had to get back to work/hell. Though I may start a cult so that I can harangue the twunt in his church.

Any ideas for a non-religious cult?


6 Responses to “Even The Pigeon Was Judging Me”

  1. The Lord is watching …………… but he doesn’t care.

  2. Jesus is coming….. look busy! 🙂

  3. “Jesus is coming….. look busy!” – like that one fatman, it would make a great t-shirt ! God would it make a great t-shirt !!!

  4. Yeah, it would, now why didn’t I think of that? Damn it to hell!

    You should market the idea ya know!

  5. Hey ya,if I did market that t-shirt …… would make me look busy!

  6. A win win situation.

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