NuclearFamily
the blasts, the fallout, the sickness and the diar[y]hoea

May
25

A man goes to the doctors.

“What seems to be the problem?” the doctor says when he walks into the office.

“Well… I have a lettuce…,” the man pauses embarrassed, “…a lettuce poking from my arse!”

“Really!” the doctor exclaims.

“Yes, and nothing I do will get rid of it!”

“Hmmm,” the doctor ponders. “OK. I need to look at this lettuce and run some tests.”

Several hours later after blood tests, CAT scans an MRI and X-Rays, urine and stool samples (very awkward you can imagine) and a very personal examination the man was back in the doctors office waiting for news.

“So Doctor, what did you find?”

“It’s not good news I’m afraid,” the doctor says shaking his head.

“Oh no, I knew it!” says the man worried, “What does the lettuce mean?”

“Oh I wouldn’t worry about that,” the doctor says, “It’s just the tip of the iceberg!”

😆


I love this joke! 🙂 Has anyone else noticed a lot of my jokes feature lettuce and rabbits? Does that mean anything do you think?

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May
24

I’m killing time. I’m surprised Time comes round here anymore to be honest since it seems I have nothing but murder in my heart for it. Yet, it does and so I try to find ways, the more inventive the better, to kill it. Much like the Spanish Inquisition I suppose. Yes that’s me, the Spanish Inquisition of procrastination.

Anyway… Today I got a CV , a good one, from a Miss Tanya Hyde. Yes! Tanya Hyde. Her parents must have quite the sense of humour. She was very nice  but when she left I thought with her name, the perfect job for her would be a dominatrix (we don’t have any vacancies for those though).

This, given my Time-Slayer pretensions  started the ball rolling and I have come up with other names and professions that should be put together.

Lola Bedo Sex Therapist

Gunther HyreAssassin

Pam Flitt and Lee FlittMail Droppers

Amelia RaitePublic Reformist

Mary O’NettePuppeteer

Mel TindownBlacksmith

Meg Appicks-HallGraphic Designer

Len ScuvverPhotographer

Rick RootmanHuman Resources

They do run the gamut of employment possibilities don’t they.

It reminds me of a woman I saw on TV a while ago who was called Hazel Barr. She married a man called Peter Nutt. She is now called Hazel Nutt and he is Pete Nutt.  She was going to double barrel the name but realised Hazel Nutt-Barr was probably worse. That’s a true story too folks! I don’t know what they did for a living though!

You should have a go, it’s quite fun. By the way if you have one of these names that’s just cool and you should let me know.

😆

May
23

BB1’s camping trip to the toilet has stretched into its second day. During the limited time he spent in the office he has tried to define to BB2 the quality of his diarrhoea. To put a stop to the incessant descriptive angst I found something to help. God Bless the Internet! Apparently after some research BB1’s poo rates a 6 or 7 on the Bristol Stool Chart.

Bristol Stool Chart

It has not made for a pleasant day. The liquorice diet is clearly bad for you. More disturbing is the interest shown by BB2. And the amount of detail the both of them are able to go into about their own and each others crap. Bizarre. (I was a number 4) 😆 Was that too much information?!

Following the discovery of the Poop Chart I delved a little deeper into weird rating scales and found the following oddities.

urine-chart.jpg

This is obviously of great help and I have already printed one out and laminated it for above the toilet. It’s actually fun comparing your piss to the chart although I am getting competitive with myself and am actively trying to match colours, I’m thinking of arranging a points system for each colour and running an office competition. I’m not sure about the judging though. Maybe camera phones finally come into their own. (Again; number 4) 🙂 Note to self: Drink more water.

Also here among the weird charts of the world is this one called the Schmidt Sting Pain Index:

schmidt-pain-index.jpg

Some of the best descriptions ever for pain I think. Almost poetic. Another pain chart that is kind of funny is this one:

facesscale.jpg

I like the faces, they’re so… expressive. It’s called the Wong-Baker Scale by the way.

The next and final one is not for a bodily function like shite, piss and pain, though I suppose it could be related in some ways. It is the Scoville Heat Scale used for gauging the heat of chilli peppers. Used in conjunction with the Bristol Stool Chart it could make for an interesting study.

chilli.png

I think a cross-referenced Bristol Stool and Scoville Scale would be of great use. Imagine it in the front of every Indian menu. You would know when ordering just what to expect the next morning! Invaluable.

May
23

Today is May 23rd. Stop! don’t run away. This is a little one. I think it’s quite cheery too.

Today is World Turtle Day. The first one was in 2000 and was founded by the American Tortoise Rescue group based in Malibu, CA.

Turtle Day is a worldwide celebration, especially for those who find the turtle a symbolic animal. People celebrate turtle day in a variety of ways, which include dressing up as turtles or saving turtles caught on highways. The importance of this holiday to turtles worldwide is recognized by many groups.

turtle

May
22

I don’t know how many of you have read my previous posts about BB1 and his new girlfriend Bird, but in an effort to make sure their first time “rocked” BB1 decided not to leave anything to chance and began, after consulting his physician (Dave from the pub), an intensive course of liquorice. Dave claims liquorice is a great aphrodisiac.

Five days worth of the Allsorts-of-Liquorice Diet and BB1 has spent the large part of the day on the toilet. The sexual prowess boosting properties of the stuff is still to be confirmed but if you are lacking a certain regularity then it is the way to go. Though I would limit your intake if I were you. BB1 is determined to continue, Dave is apparently the cleverest bloke he knows. 😐

BB2 is finding some solace in BB1’s misery.

On a different subject; why do some people in cars find the idea of red lights so hard to grasp? Red means stop. I was waiting at a pedestrian crossing, the lights were green but the traffic was backed up and not moving. Rather than leave the crossing clear as you should, some arse stopped on it.

The lights turned red and the green man started bleeping, but to cross the road the crowd of pedestrians had to weave around this twunt. Worse still, as the traffic moved on, instead of waiting for the people to clear off the road, he roared off through the red light narrowly missing the very folk he had forced into his path by his parking on the crossing in the first place. A complete an utter T!WUNT!!!

Once again on a different note. A funny thing I saw today. A pair of lads shouting and calling a couple of girls names at a bus stop. I understand from the row that one of the girls had refused the romantic advances of one of the boys (I made that sound very Brontë-licious didn’t I). The bus pulls up and the girls get on and the boys follow to the door unwilling to stop their attempts to woo. The girls give their parting shot and retire to rear of the bus. The boys, realising their affection is not going to be returned shout one final obscenity that they find incredibly humourous and leave. Only to walk right into the wing mirror of the bus. It catches one right in the face, sending him staggering backward into his erstwhile fellow who is tripped and falls to the floor.

Everyone who saw the whole thing found it very funny and I think I actually pissed myself. 😆
The girls in the bus saw it too and as the bus pulled away they could be seen waving to the pair of fallen wooers in what can only be described as a sarcastic manner.

Sometimes Karma is swift.

May
21

I was in a shop today buying food. It was M&S for those detail dependent people out there. Checkout 3.

I was at the end of the conveyor belt about to put my shopping on when an old woman comes from her checkout, where there was a price check delay and pushes past me asking, “Can I just jump in front of you?”

WTF!

“No” I said bluntly. She looked amazed. As if she had a divine right to priority checkouting. She waited for a few seconds to see if I would feel guilty about it before grumping back to her buddy at the original checkout who said, “What’s wrong? Did he push in?” And what did push in lady say? “Yes.”

I didn’t bloody push in, I was there. My chicken was already on the belt. So I told them I didn’t push in, she did.

They didn’t like that, and I spent my time at the till listening to a chorus of disapproving muttered comments about how the world was ending due to lack of manners etc. etc.

Poxy old folk!

Damn the beige!!!!

Also, this weekend I was shopping with Trinity and her kids. I went into a card shop with her eldest. After looking at a lot of cards I decided not to buy anything and we left. Halfway out of the door she said at the top of her voice, “Pay for it, pay for it!”

The staff and security guard were very understanding… once they’d searched my bags. I received many frowning glances as passers-by judged me for using a child for shop lifting.

Still, she thought it was fun. Bless her. 😐

One other thing. A question that came to me and that has given BB2 and BB1 something to talk about other than Bird and the aphrodisiac qualities of liquorice. It is this:

How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink?

May
21

hurts my hand

What Not To Say To A Woman In Labour No. 3

May
18

…today is May 18th! 😆

It’s International Museum Day today so go see some culture and in ancient Greece they would be celebrating the Festival of Pan and in Rome they’d be partying for the same reason except they called Pan Faunus.

Good stuff hey?! Tell me you don’t feel enlightened.

May
18

Three rabbits escape from a laboratory and quickly run away across the fields glad of their new found freedom. They’re walking along sharing their horror stories of what experiments they endured when after a while they come to a field full of lettuce and carrots and other wondrous vegetables. The three bunnies are overcome with hunger and they rush swiftly into the field and eat their fill late into the day. As night falls they drift to sleep fully sated.

The next day they awake and after a hearty breakfast decide to keep moving. In much better spirits they walk on for the the morning when they chance upon a field full of female rabbits, all doe eyed (ha-ha :lol:) and fluffy tailed. Immediately the three escapees bounce eagerly forward and spend the rest of the day doing what rabbits do best. They fall asleep in the paws of their new found friends completely spent.

The next morning, after a few hours of goodbyes 😉 ,they decide to move on. After walking all day they find nothing of interest and fall asleep cold and lonely and hungry. They wake up early in the morning and discuss what they will do.

The first rabbit says, “I’m going back to the ladies, I could hump the rest of my life away!”

The second rabbit says, “I’m going back to the field of food, I never want to be hungry again!”

The third rabbit thinks for a while and then says, “I’m going back to the lab. I’ve not had a fag for three days!”

😆 I love this joke, hope you do to!

May
18

A small update on this post. BB1 has decided, on advice from a man in a pub, that liquorice is the cheap mans answer to Viagra flavoured oysters. And yes, I mean cheap mans and not poor mans. BB1 is a cheap man. He dresses entirely from Primark bargain buckets. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with Primark really but not your whole wardrobe!  According to his pub “doctor” it’s best to let the effect build up so BB1 is now chewing liquorice sticks and Allsorts in the belief that when the time comes he will “rock” the world for Bird.

BB2 is still noticeably silent on the subject. The fact that BB1 is apparently on a promise of regular sex has disturbed the balance of power and BB2 is not clear on how to deal with it. He is more engrossed in his computer than ever, hopefully working but more likely he is hunting down his own girlfriend, probably using Russian websites.

Just another day in Work/Hell.