Apr
27
Unbelievably, Littleboy has got a job! 😮 He is… drum roll please… a ‘Day Replenishment Customer Assistant’ at Tesco. In other words he’s a shelf stacker. I and Enola Gay are still dumbfounded by his decision to work. Up until now I had assumed it was against his religion but I think alcohol and girls and the fact that both require money are the cause for his new-found desire to become an earning member of society.
I’m not complaining. It means I have to give him less and he’s out of the house. Let the customers of Tesco put up with his morose mumbling and spotty scowl. I make him sound bad… and he is but he is (I like to imagine) no different from other boys his age. But, seriously, whatever gets him out of the house for a while.
To be honest, I think it’s good that he went out and got the job. Maybe it’s a sign of changes to come. Will we soon have a new, improved socially acceptable Littleboy? I’m having visions of him washing, himself and his clothes. Taking an interest in the world. Maybe even the possibility of University? Will he come downstairs for a night out, suited and booted as he heads off to take his girlfriend (STD free) to a restaurant or cinema without the company of his ASBO collecting school friends? Is he, and I hesitate to ask this lest I raise my hopes, growing up?
One other thing. ‘Day Replenishment Customer Assistant’? Is that necessary? Just call a spade a spade. Do jobs like this need the blurb? We all know what they are, has anyone turned up for work and actually been surprised?
A man shows up for work in his new job as a “Regional Food Outsourcer for On-Demand Client Base” and is amazed to discover he has to mount a moped and deliver pizzas to any bugger who rings up!? I think not.
Though I bet it’s fun if you’re the bloke who has to come up with the neo-blurb names for these crappy jobs. 🙂
Apr
27
A rabbit goes running into a chip shop and frantically pounds on the counter, “I need lettuce! Give me lettuce, have you got any lettuce?”
“Err, no,” says the shop owner, “No lettuce, this is a chip shop.”
The rabbit rushes out and vanishes round the corner.
The next day the same rabbit hurries into the chip shop and bangs on the counter, ” LETTUCE! I need lettuce. Give me lettuce!”
The owner is a little annoyed, “I told you yesterday, this is a chip shop. We don’t do lettuce !”
The rabbit turns tail and sprints from the shop.
The very next day the rabbit appears, tears into the shop and yells, “LETTUCE! LETTUCE! LETTUCE! I want lettuce. I need lettuce. Give. Me. Lettuce.”
The owner is mad now, ” Look, I told you this is a chip shop. For the last time we don’t do lettuce. if you come back here again I’ll nail your bloody ears to the wall! GET OUT!”
The rabbit leaves quickly muttering under his breath.
The very next day, the rabbit speeds into the shop and runs to the counter and says, “Nails, nails! You got any nails?”
The owner is confused, “What? Nails? No. This is a chip shop!”
“Good,” says the rabbit, “Can I have some LETTUCE?”
😆
Apr
26
I have been meaning to do this sooner and because I never got around to it the funnier and frankly, more worrying examples of searches have gone from my stats. However, I am posting this because I think it’s interesting and a little funny. It may not be, but what the hell, it’s my blog.
The bit I like about this is, “How did I get chlamydia?” You have to ask? Really?
I am going to tag this post with rude words and see how many people come to my blog because they’ve tag searched those rude words.
If you are reading this and you came looking for sex or cunnilingus or… erm… blowjob and tits then welcome and sorry, there is none of those things here for you. You are just the unwitting participant in my experiment. You also clearly have too much time on your hands. Among other things!
I apologise to anyone offended by my tags, but they are necessary for the purpose of this experiment.
I hope this works 🙂
Also, if you do come here looking for one of the rude words, please leave a comment. I’m not judging you, I’m just curious how many people will find me that way! 🙂
Apr
26
Once again, after an exhausting search through the dregs of magazinedom, I have found this shocking piece of work! There is a publication for everyone.
Apr
21
I am going to bask in reflected glory. One of the bloggers on my blogroll has been nominated for a blog award. I feel like I have picked the winner of the National or put a bet on Cambridge or something! For any non-British reading; a very big English horse race and the boat race respectively (Cambridge won this year).
Little Nut Tree is the one I’m talking about, Nutty Mummy who writes the blog is very funny and a great host and deserves your votes! She has been nominated for “Hottest Mommy Blogger” and by the looks of her pic she is pretty hot. 😉
If you have not read her yet, head over to the Tree and do so, it will not disappoint. If you have then you know she’s good stuff. Either way go and vote here, it’s your chance to make a difference.
If you are a Mummy then vote for her, if you are nuts (and lets face it, if you are a blogger you probably are) vote for her, if you like hot moms then vote for her. I think that covers most folk out there doesn’t it?
Remember, you can’t complain about the winners if you don’t get out and vote! 🙂
Apr
20
A man is lost in the desert, he’s crawling through the dunes dying of thirst. He’s about to give up and surrender to the circling vultures when on the horizon he sees tents.
With a new burst of strength he crawls to them. He reaches the first and says to the man outside, “Water, please… water!”
“I am sorry sahib, I have only custard,” says the Bedouin. Distraught the man crawls onto the next tent.
“Water, please I need water,” he croaks.
“I am sorry, I have only jelly,” says the next bedouin. Sobbing now, though he is so dehydrated no tears will come the man crawls on.
“Water, please give me water!” he implores at the next tent.
“I am so sorry, I have only cream and sponge cake here!” answers the Bedouin.
The man collapses. “What’s going on, all this here and there’s no water? I don’t understand!”
“It is a trifle bazaar,” the Bedouin replies. 😆
Apr
19
Once more I spent many a long hour going square eyed in front of a screen to bring you yet another bizarre offering from the world of publishing.
And, coming tomorrow is the inaugural “Stupid Joke Friday”. Now I know you are excited but try not to make a mess!
Apr
19
I’m bored and can’t think of anything to write. The office is quiet, BB1 and BB2 are arguing the toss over some program they both watched last night. I’ve blocked them out to be honest lest I try to entertain myself by playing a game I’ve named “How Many Drawing Pins Are Needed To Cause Death Through Excessive Blood Loss?”. Not a catchy title but I think Jimmy Carr or Patrick Kielty could pull it off. Sourpuss is not here today.
To fill my time I have found things to do. Sudoku, a crossword (cryptic no less) and an auto-competitive game of quoits manufactured from a pack of elastic bands, a small pencil and some blu-tack. I won 🙂
But, nevertheless I was left feeling dissatisfied so I found these things on the web that I liked and thought I would show you. If you don’t like them, so what? It killed Time and sometimes Time needs to be taught a lesson!
googlisms
uncyclopedia
celebrity face matches
future me
angry alien
Base Jumping
NuclearFamily 